to protect the innocent

boobs are a pretty personal thing to talk about. so we have covered up the face of this fine young beautiful crayon drawing so no one would recognize her face. and you would totally notice her if we didnt. cause she really is beautiful...if you want to hang out with me i would greatly appreciate it. i am half lonely.

its gonna be a long time...

some much needed words of encouragement

not all days can be good days. so just sit back. close your eyes and tell yourself how awesome you are. you are awesome. then say to yourself. self. you are doing a good job. well done self. you deserve a pat on your back. and maybe some beef jerky.
but you dont deserve it. you arent doing a good job. in fact. you are doing a bad job. and you are not awesome. way to go self. now you dont get any beef jerky...or a pat on your back.

i didnt get an enchilada.

or manage to make it to titos. so i threw up instead. but barfing also happens to be awesome. so it kind of evens things out. because barfing means that i was drunk. and i was drunk. and i had an audience to perform for. which always helps the kfc come up that much easier. i also realized that i havent thrown up in a toilet for a long time. i prefer to do my puking outside. over a fence or rail. just so there isnt any sort of vomit backlash to get all over your feet and or pants. because i puked on my lap once. and it wasnt that fun.

getting buffer everyday

i have decided to start working out and getting in shape. i do nothing all day. but sit around. and since i stay at james house more often than not and he has a gym in the complex i have taken it upon myself to get myself into some sort of a shape. i havent been in a gym to work out since high school physical education class when it was a requirement for the students to take an interest in buffness. i have no interest in buff dudes. or buff chicks. maybe i wont be going to the gym anymore. im going to sit here on the couch under the influence of a certain drug known as pot and wait for james to come down the stairs so we can go to titos tacos. TITOS TACOS IS AWESOME. but if have you ever tried the enchiladas at titos. they are not very tasty but i have become smitten with them and cannot refuse it. i simply will not. maybe it is the drug that makes me hungry like them. or maybe i just like the abuse. but i am getting an enchilada today. and it will be delicious. it is james birthday today. wish him happy birthday.

i think i have a future.

i fed my pet hamster a bunch of heroin once. and he was very cool. no. i never had a hamster. thats not true. i had a hamster and it bit someone. so i let it go. so long little fella. stay strong in the cold los angeles summer. i havent thought of that hamster in years. there really is no reason to think about a hamster. they really arent that cool. unless they do heroin. like my hamster did. i miss you buddy come back soon. i will leave the door unlocked and the light on for you...how long do hamsters live for. cause that was over a decade ago. more than a decade. lil buddy has to be dead. heroin will do that to you. i will see you soon you little evil biting hamster.

im so vain...

yes this pictures about me. no. its actually about you. my own self portrait of you. have you ever seen me in person. eesh. this drawing makes me look way too good. almost hot. like paris hilton hot. not fergie hot. cause shes ugly. very ugly. so this cant be a self portait. cause that dude is way too hot.

if it were only this easy

will someone please come bludgeon my head for me. i cant bring myself to buy a pick axe and do it myself. so i want you to do it.

you are a bird. and meaner than hell.

a sharpie drawing on a sharpie box. i dont stray too far. wanna see me naked. pervert.

mellow out man...you're too drunk.

i dont think i have ever been puked on by another person. which im kind of glad about. but i dont think it would be the worst thing ever. you could get crapped on. though i did puke on the floor of my room once and all i could do was muster up a stare to my roomate and then roll over and go back to bed. i wished i had cleaned it then...or not have puked to begin with. but then i wouldnt have been drunk. and i wanted to be drunk. because i was drunk. which leads me to believe i wanted to be drunk in the first place. did you know puke will make your room stink for a several weeks? who would have thought.

i wanna be a tiger at the zoo.

zoo animals are some of the laziest things known to man. and you know who likes being lazy dont you? that right. me. i could do that tigers job no problem. sign me up. but you know what animal is lazier than the zoo tiger? the zoo bear. jeeesus. lazy. so lazy. fat slobs take forever to move. but if i was zoo bear...i would eat every human i possibly could. what would they do. kill you. nope. cause people would flip out if a zoo killed a zoo bear. so i would eat everyone. then become the first zoo bear warden. and reign over the zoo. no one could stop me. no one. you think a zoo tiger is going to stop me. ha. those lazy creatures. im glad i decided to be a zoo bear than a zoo tiger. even though being lazy is good and all. a zoo bear gets to kill people and have a chance at running a zoo. without even learning how to speak a language any human could understand. but that doesnt matter. cause as zoo bear master i run supreme. i dont listen to no stinking human. i might listen to their bones snapping underneath my awesome teeth eating power. but thats it. i run the zoo.
but when i was younger i did get see a tiger peeing in his cage and was getting the people in the front row wet with piddle drips. that was cool...alright tiger. you got me. you can live. and be vice zoo animal warden. shoot me.